Dear Mommy Who NEARLY LOST IT,

We’ve all been there. You are not alone.

I still remember the first time I knew I wasn’t going to make it in this motherhood gig. My twins were a few months old and they were blessed with belting out uncontrollable screams all day long—otherwise known as colic. They would cry and cry and cry some more as I tried to soothe them, my arms aching from the strain of unendingly coddling them during their painstaking screams.

our twins

It was around 10 am in the morning. Another day home alone with my twin babies. My husband had left for work hours ago. I’d been up all night nursing my twins, barely falling asleep when the next feeding or screaming session began again. In the past couple months I averaged a total of 2-3 hours of INTERRUPTED sleep a day. Not joking. To state the obvious, I was completely drained.

Add to that the incessant crying and my already fried nerves were primed for a meltdown.

This morning the cries began again. I sat there with my twins strapped in their bouncer’s tears streaming down my face and theirs. I wanted to bolt, bawl, bark back at them, bunch up in a ball, and just backtrack back to living my old life before this blessed motherhood nightmare started.

My thoughts clouded. I. JUST. Can’t. Take. This. Any. More.

Through tears, in desperation I cried out audibly to God in prayer:

“LORD, please. I’m begging you.

I’ve hit my breaking point.

I’m losing it. I need this crying to stop.

I need a break.

I. JUST. CAN’T. DO. THIS. ANY. MORE!”

And just like that, within a minute my twins both stopped crying and soon fell asleep. For TWO HOURS! Not kidding. Glorious!

I didn’t know at the time the significance this event would continue to play out in my mind over and over again as my parenting continued to unfold past their chronic screaming days, moving into the ever-so-fun teething stage, toward the bliss of birthing their sister 19 months later attaining the role of becoming a professional diaper changer, to now enjoying the beauty of having three toddlers tell me how to run the show around here (ahem). I didn’t know at the time how God was using this, and other, experiences of Him responding to my prayer to teach me again and again about the power of prayer, especially in those moments when I’m about to lose it. Or have lost it. Yes again. God is teaching me in those “lost it” moments there is power in prayer—in seeking forgiveness first from my Father in Heaven, then admitting my wrongs to my children whom I spewed venom on harshly just before.

Rachel Swanson Family

Although the incessant crying from my twins didn’t end forever at that point yet (oh wait… I’m still waiting for those days of children crying to end… does it ever end?), my strive to believe I have to do everything in my own strength, especially as a mom, did end.

Ever since this experience it taught me I absolutely cannot do this motherhood gig alone.

God desires us to come to Him, all who are weary and heavy burdened. He calls us to seek Him in prayer, cast our anxieties, fears, struggle’s, and everything that weighs us down… to Him. He beckons us to come to Him when we commit wrongs, not to drive the nail of guilt in deeper, but in order to become free from the sin that drives its snare of guilt and shame in us due to our inevitable imperfections. God wants to help us. To improve us. Yet why do we resist Him sometimes?

Why do I, so often, feel like I can do things on my own strength?

Why do I think that in order to be a good mom, I have to be perfect in front of my children?

Why do I think that God is incapable of loving me still because I “lost it” again?

 

We aren’t perfect.

We mess up.

We will keep messing up because we are imperfect beings.

Yet, are we going to drown in our messes and let it drive us to destruction because we feel helpless to do anything about it or will we allow these messes to seek God for huge helpings of grace to move forward and improve in our character once again?

 

Allow these red-lining moments to propel you to pray before, during, and after that next “lost it” moment happens. Seek God for strength and calm to prevent the bubbling teapot in your heart from whistling forth.

I see you mommy. I’m that mommy who’s lost it a time or two (or twenty) as well. But you know what is true that I’ve learned, something you need to know today too? You’re still a good mom. You’re loved incredibly by your Father in Heaven no matter how many times you’ve messed up. You’ve already been forgiven through Jesus, a price paid by his blood which purifies our filth. Let those tears of pain drive you to tears of joy through the Lord who gives unending doses of grace, peace and strength as you continually become refined and restored by His loving embrace.

Your Fellow Mom Who Nearly Lost It,

Rachel

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